2024 Advice Series - August: "Just Because You Can Doesn't Mean You Should".

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Background

There is more than one person credited with having first used this quote, so I am not attributing it to anyone. However, it has had great meaning for me over the last decade. For all the people pleasers out there, this may be worth reading.

I spent my mid 20's to my mid 30's being a "can do person". This means, if it needed to get done, I could get it done. I was a director of programs before my 20's ended. I had three sons, and largely did all the parenting and cleaned up after everyone at home. I paid the bills, ran the errands, started graduate school, lead cub scouts, and took the strong advice of my supervisors to look and dress the way I was expected to dress. I was praised and given raises for being a "can do" person. Of course, I was sick often, and gained weight even though I also exercised regularly. I needed at least three surgeries during that time, and I was stressed and irritable. Honestly, I was far from happy. I knew something had to change, and I set out on a healing journey.

Then, I heard it, over a decade ago, "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should". I started realizing that the more I became the "can-do" person, the more people asked of me. Was I expected to do it, or did I never learn that I didn't have to? I eventually started realizing that I didn't have to do anything I did not want to do. At first, it was hard to say no and "let others down", but over time, I practiced making decisions that were best for me. This is important, because I am physically much healthier. I became a better mom and partner. Most importantly, I'm happy, and like myself and my life. That is the best feeling.

Advice

There is a time and place to "suck it up" and "just do it". There are times to "keep your mouth shut" and "do your work". Those are times of survival - do what you have to do. Keep your arousal flared, manage and push through, so you can get to the next pay check. There are times like that for many people. That is not living and thriving though. That's living in survival mode. Some people also run on high arousal to work long hours to "impress the boss for a promotion". Maybe that is not about survival per se, but it is what some do in life. However, if that way of being and doing is ongoing, and not temporary, it can cause mental, emotional, and physical health issues.

I would like to suggest we learn to pause, name what we are feeling inside, and see what we need. Pause before getting out of bed, or before heading off to work, or to run errands, or even before making a decision. Pause, notice and name, then ask and listen. For example: Pause before deciding what to do today. Notice and name... you notice your heart is racing and your shoulders are tight. Ask yourself what you need. You listen and hear that you need to take some deep breaths, stretch, and move more slowly today. Can you move quickly and get a lot done? Sure, if it was an emergency. But all of life is not an emergency. Do you just keep pushing through until you are sick, or would you rather notice what you need before you get sick?

Practicing this pause before you take on extra work at home or on the job, or pausing before answering a friend about making a commitment, helps you decide what you need. You might just need to say no, even though you could comply.